AUTHOR: Carolyn Savage | POSTED: December 3, 2012 | COMMENTS: 27 Comments
Sunday morning started with a full on melt down.
If you’re not familiar with a “full on” melt down, let me acquaint you. It starts, for me, with a piece of unwelcome news, followed by the rising of my blood pressure, resulting in numbness in my extremities and climaxes with the yelling of the grand daddy of all curse words.
In a nutshell, it’s not pretty.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of these melt downs. In late 2009, I had many of them as bombshell after bombshell landed in our lives about “happenings” regarding my mistaken pregnancy. Those 2009 incidents catapulted me into a battle with anxiety that left me, more often than I care to admit, seeking refuge behind the chair in my bedroom, huddled on the floor, with a blanket over my head. (Yes. I know. That’s a sad scene, but anxiety is a relentless and very scary thing.)
Sunday morning was the first time in a very long time that I had to repress the urge to hide behind my chair. It’s amazing how an unexpected development can, in a matter of seconds, transport me back to such a horrible time in my life.
I’m actually a little mortified to share this news with you. Some of you may read this and think it’s no big deal. Others may read this and wonder how stupid we could be to allow something like this to happen…again. I’m hoping most of you will read this and offer some words of wisdom. It’s those wise messages that I really need to hear.
As many of you know, our family shot a program for Discovery Channel this past summer. Sean and I give great consideration to participating in programs like this. Shooting is time consuming and invasive. That being said, we agreed to this production for the same reason we’ve agreed to the others. Sean and I feel that it’s our calling to do two things with our experience. The first is to shout from the proverbial rooftops about the importance of patient safety protocols.
Medical mistakes like the one that resulted in my pregnancy with “L” shouldn’t happen. Period.
Secondly, we want our story to inspire others to push through life’s unwelcome curve balls. We all experience hardships and challenges. During the throws of a clusterbomb, it’s natural to experience all kinds of negative emotions. Depression, despair, anger, jealousy, are all part of a journey through something tough. It’s our hope that if someone reads our story, they can see that it’s possible to come out on the other side as a stronger, more compassionate person. There’s always a way back to grace and gratitude. It can take a long, long time, but there’s always a way.
So, we agreed to the production.
Fast forward to last week when we got word from the producers that our show would be airing December 6th on Discovery Fit and Health. That was the first unexpected piece of news. I’ve never heard of Discovery Fit and Health. We don’t get the channel through our cable provider.
Oh well. No big deal. We thought is was for Discovery Channel but live and learn. We should have asked better questions with regards to the network.
Then the news took a turn for the unsettling when I started receiving messages via Facebook from friends who’d seen commercials promoting the show, which is titled, Shocking Family Secrets.
Shocking Family Secrets.
Oh my goodness.
I immediately panicked because the title of the show implies that we kept a secret, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, our decision to be truthful about my pregnancy is how the media got the story in the first place.
My mind immediately started racing. How could our story be lumped into a show about family secrets? Then it hit me.
During the taping they asked me 360 questions. It was the most demanding interview I’d ever done. When I think back to the line of questioning there were many surrounding the first trimester, when we were keeping the pregnancy a secret. We decided to keep the situation on the down low during that time because there was a risk of miscarriage, and we didn’t want to stress our family and friends about our situation when there was a possibility of me not carrying the baby to term. In fact, we’ve never told our friends and family about any of our pregnancies until after the first trimester for the very seem reason. So, the only thing I can surmise is that the show is about that time period and the burden of keeping my pregnancy a secret. I admit, it was a very dark and difficult time in our lives.
That’s not what we thought we signed on for.
I’ve done a little research with regards to the show. Apparently we are one third of the episode. Our segment is called “The Ultimate Gift”. Acceptable enough, but I’m still worried. I don’t like being misled. A few months after “L” was born, we were lied to by people we thought we could trust and it put me in a terrible place for a very, very long time. I don’t exist in that place anymore, but this little incident immediately conjured unfortunate feelings.
I’ll say it again. Anxiety is a nasty thing.
Over the course of the past day, my “melt-down” was officially down graded to a “moment”. I’m still concerned, but life continued, and luckily, took a turn for the exciting. Drew made a verbal commitment to Ohio University for cross country about an hour ago. That’s reason to celebrate. It’s a big deal in the life of our first born. We are so proud of him!
So. I’m choosing to focus on Drew’s accomplishment, hoping that it will drown out the warning sirens currently buzzing around my head. Thursday might be a rough evening, but given what we’ve already been through, I should consider this a pin prick in my life. I have a choice. I can dwell on the situation or I can choose not to feed the anxiety monster. I’m choosing to keep my eye on the blessings we’ve already been given.
I guess that’s called “proper perspective”.
I’m hanging my hat on that.