I’m Not A Drug Addict, but Apparently I Lie Like One…

AUTHOR: | POSTED: August 30, 2012 | COMMENTS: 16 Comments
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Carolyn Savage

First a few notes about this post…

1.     I don’t condone lying to one’s physician to get drugs.  Really…I don’t.  So do as I say!  Not as I do!

2.       And yes, I admit I am thick in the head sometimes.  Obviously!  Otherwise I’d have learned by now that there is absolutely such a thing as Karma.  My God…you’d think the twins arrival would have solidified that for me.  And it did!  I just forget about karma sometimes and that, my friends, is when it bites me in the ass! 

So…here it goes…I hope it leaves you with a smile!

There is a bug in my house. 

Not the kind with legs that hangs out under the couch.  (Well, there might be those too.  Not really sure.)

Nope!  It’s the back-to-school germy kind of bug that brings sniffles, sore throats, stomach ailments and all kinds of other bad crap to the members of my tribe.  It started with Ryan, who missed school on Friday.  Then Drew came down with it, followed quickly by MK.  And as much as a pain in the arse these sick kids have been, I’ve been managing–that is until I woke up on Saturday with a nasty cough and wicked sore throat–which is a bonafide and very serious problem for me because I cannot afford to be sick.  Ever.  What mom can?

So after popping a plethera of cold meds that did nothing but buzz me without relieving any of my symptoms,  I decided I was not going to screw around.  I have to much to do, dammit!  So I headed to my local urgent care doctor in hopes of an antibiotic hook-up. 

Now before you start writing me about the dangers of over treating with antibiotics allow me to advise you–Save it.  I know this information already.  The truth was  I’d been battling a sore throat for the better part of August, and as much as it pained me to admit it, I was probably “patient zero” of the plague that was rapidly sweeping through my household.  Seeing as how I hadn’t been able to kick the infection on my own (by eating properly and getting enough rest…uh…yeah…whatever), I diagnosed myself with a bacterial infection and knew the correct remedy was a Z-Pack because Z-Packs cure everything.  Right?

So I headed to get me my fix.

Now I’ve been around the doctor’s office block before, so I knew that just because I wanted the prescription, I wasn’t necessarily going to get one.  So just like an addict seeking his fix of pain killers, I concocted a story that I thought would surely get me my coveted drugs.  My plan?  To fake that I had a sinus infection because the diagnosis of a sinus infection always ends with a z-pack.

It seemed like a good plan and all was going exactly the way I’d envisioned.  The doc pushed on my right cheek and I reported the sinus pain with just the right amount of wince.  Then he pressed on the sinus above my right eye-brow, and not being able to read the doctor all that well, I thought I’d better amp up my claims of discomfort   So I added a pained facial expression to my cringe and that’s when–perhaps–I over sold it.   Next thing I knew he ordered a sinus x-ray.

Shit.

I considered claiming I was pregnant, but given my notoriety in that department, decided against it.

So there I stood being radiated for something I didn’t really have, all so I could get a farking z-pack for my sore throat.  And that’s when I grew a bit delusional because I started thinking maybe I really did have a sinus infection and this will turn out just the way I wanted…with a prescription and some sympathy.

How far from reality could that wish be?  Turns out pretty far.

Because not only did the x-ray reveal that I didn’t have a sinus infection on my right side…  the x-ray revealed that I don’t even have a sinus on my right side. 

Yup.  You read that right.  I’m missing my sinus cavity above my right eyebrow!  Exactly the spot that I’d just oversold.

Stone-cold busted.

When the doctor showed me the x-ray and explained my congenital condition my mind scrambled for an explanation.   All I could come up with was, “No wonder it hurts.  It must’ve have fallen out!”

To which he chuckled and sent me on my way…sans-Z-Pack. 

Moral of the Story…

Don’t lie to get drugs from your doctor.  And if you do, make sure you’re actually in possession of the troublesome appendage before you claim that it hurts. 

Oh–and by the way–I’m better now.  I guess it was viral. 

Karma

16 Comments on “ I’m Not A Drug Addict, but Apparently I Lie Like One… ”

  • Katie | August 30th, 2012 12:24 pm

    Oh goodness! I am reading this while eating lunch.. and was laughing so hard, I almost choked!! That is priceless!

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  • Sharon Williamson | August 31st, 2012 10:04 am

    Carolyn-you are a riot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    4 months until Florida!

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  • Carolyn Savage | August 31st, 2012 3:20 pm

    But who’s counting, Grandma! Hope you’re enjoying your new bundle!

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  • lynda crossman | August 30th, 2012 12:32 pm

    You keep me rolling lady…”if nothing else you are good humor relief”… I who have been a nurse for 20+ yrs…was diagnosed with post nasal drip…and learned all kind of stuff I missed…. :) keep up the good health and great writing…

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 2nd, 2012 1:15 pm

    Thanks, Lynda! And thanks for being such a loyal reader!

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  • Debbie Schaaf | August 30th, 2012 12:56 pm

    Personally……I LOVED this one. Being in the medical profession, catching a drug seeker is a Dr.s dream come true!!!! Sorry Carolyn,,,,,,,,I’m laughing AT you , not with you this time. You are so dammed funny.

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  • Linda | August 30th, 2012 2:05 pm

    I laughed my @ss off at this post… except for the “bonified” part. That’s not a word. It’s “bona fide”. I know, I know.

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  • Carolyn Savage | August 30th, 2012 8:55 pm

    Thanks for reading and I am ALWAYS open to edits/corrections! ALWAYS!

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  • Teri | August 30th, 2012 3:00 pm

    THAT just cracked me up!! Just started following you on Twitter and your blog is great!!
    Hope you can check out my blog when you have some time.

    Teri
    Snarkfest

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  • Danielle Spino | August 31st, 2012 12:24 pm

    You crack me up! Checking your blog has become part of my daily routine! Thanks for sharing your life with us along with your witty sense of humor :)
    Have a wonderful weekend!

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  • Carolyn Savage | August 31st, 2012 3:19 pm

    So glad to bring a smile (hopefully) to your daily routine. Your message made my day!

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  • Lizz | August 31st, 2012 1:43 pm

    I’m always afraid the doctors will think I’m just looking for drugs, so I’m too scared to ask for pain meds, ever. Even after my transplant, when they asked for a “scale of 1 to 10” on my pain, I’d subtract a number or two so they wouldn’t think I was faking.
    Now that I write that out, what the heck is wrong with me? LOL

    And now I’m totally curious about your lack of a sinus!

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  • Carolyn Savage | August 31st, 2012 3:18 pm

    Liz…You are quick! And I’d think a transplant would render you “appropriate” for as many pain killers as you want!

    Thanks for coming over. I’ll be over to visit you pronto!

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  • Kenja | August 31st, 2012 2:23 pm

    Okay, I admit I do the same thing. Because why should you have to go to the doctor over and over when you know you have a UTI? I ask for extremely strong wide spectrum antibiotics for my “sinus infection” and then use a couple of doses of them for my next UTI. Therefore that one trip lasts through 3 UTIs.

    I’m terrible, I know.

    But I do think I have both sinus cavities.

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  • Carolyn Savage | August 31st, 2012 3:19 pm

    Well, you may want to double check the sinuses before you use that excuse again! LOL! Thanks for reading!

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  • Persevering through Disappointment with A Plan | Mama On The Fly | October 29th, 2012 1:23 pm

    […] to start popping pills.  I was the last victim, sucking up my pride and returning to the scene of one of my most embarrassing moments–yes–urgent care.  I did everything I could to deny my illness, but come Friday night when I nearly drove off the […]

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