AUTHOR: Sean Savage | POSTED: February 14, 2011 | COMMENTS: 2 Comments
CATEGORIES: Daddy on The Fly, Love & Marriage,
The last two years have been filled with unexpected twists and turns for me and my wife Carolyn. There are times I wonder if I have really expressed what I say here. So please indulge me this shout from the proverbial rooftop, from husband to wife, from best friend to confidant.
From the very first moment we met nearly twenty years ago, we had a strong connection. I loved your spark, your beauty and your playful sense of humor, all of which was apparent after just a few minutes. And later, as we got to know each other, I found we shared the same values of faith and family and a strong desire to be part of something bigger than ourselves. To us, that meant first our marriage, next our family and then our community. Little did we know when our eyes first locked, how severely all of this would be tested, and how through that test I would come to love you and admire you more than I ever felt was possible.
Carolyn, you have always been about family. We have been so fortunate with the blessings of our three beautiful children and seventeen years of marriage, but building our family has been at times frustrating and difficult. I admire you and love you so much for never giving up, even at your own peril. Every marriage and family has its challenges and difficulty, and I am not here not to compare our situation with anyone else’s. I am writing this letter to acknowledge your beauty and goodness.
Most of the work of our fertility struggles fell on you. I think I may never be able to adequately express how much I admire your courage. Month after month, I would walk into our bedroom as you were sticking yourself with a syringe full of fertility drugs. Bruises—infertility battle scars–were always visible. Do you remember when I actually tried to administer this shot to you? You fired me—rightly so, and admittedly to my own relief–after just a few days. After that experience, I knew it took a brave woman to volunteer to endure such physical pain, as well as the mental torture of negative pregnancy tests, month after month, year after year. Your body was punished repeatedly for our dream. I would wonder silently, and at times out loud, why you (and often me) wanted to keep going. I know the answer is love of family.
That same love of family is what caused us to go through the shattering events of your pregnancy with Logan, after which we agreed to give away a baby we’d worked toward and tended our hopes about for years. That afternoon when I came into the bedroom to tell you the news of the medical mistake, I wondered how we would handle this unbelievable event. I felt so helpless because all I wanted was to soothe you, to take on some of your pain and to protect you. I didn’t know how. Yet I also knew, after all our years together, we would find a way, in large part because of your personal strength and our shared values.
These last two years since we found out about that pregnancy, you have shown me so much, Carolyn. Your courage and grace, your heart and humor through a time in our lives where we shared incredible turmoil has made me understand what a fortunate man I am to have you as my wife. I worried this would break you, break us, but in fact we are stronger and I am more in love with you now than I was that day I walked into our dark bedroom to share with you the news. You have a beauty about you that goes right down to your soul. The world can now see it on the cover of the book we wrote for Logan. You celebrated with me the miracle of birth and the joy of giving this ultimate gift as we refused to allow the pain of loss to win that moment. Many difficult days followed, but you fought so hard not to allow despair to rule your world. You embrace the blessings you have and are thankful for the love around us every day while always embracing the lifetime connection with Logan. Drew, Ryan, and Mary Kate are so fortunate to call you mom and Logan was blessed to have you carry him into this world. On Valentines Day what more can I say to you than that you have made me a better man I and am so fortunate to call you my wife.
Love You Forever,