AUTHOR: Sean Savage | POSTED: December 1, 2010 | COMMENTS: None Yet - Post a Comment
CATEGORIES: Daddy on The Fly, Pre-2/16 & Post-2/16, Tags: coping, leaky toilet, protecting your family, search for meaning, Thanksgiving
Why does bad sh*t drip on good people? There were moments this thought passed through my head as water dripped on my head from the upstairs bathroom on that Tuesday before Thanksgiving. But did it really matter if the house was not in perfect order over the Thanksgiving weekend? The house matched the hosts, both imperfect. And now we had a conversation starter.
The hole in our family room ceiling was repaired within a week. The big hole that has been in my heart over the past nearly two years is taking much longer to repair. As a father, my top priority is to protect my family. If harm is to come our way, I want to be the one to take the proverbial bullet. If one of us had to be the recipient of an injury, illness, etc., I would volunteer for it without hesitation to protect Carolyn, Drew, Ryan, and Mary Kate. Who wouldn’t?
When our trauma was delivered via a phone call from our fertility doctor, Carolyn took the direct hit. No matter what I did or how I tried, I could not take that pain away from her. I felt helpless, but had to quickly shake that off and put together a plan to shield Carolyn from as much “stuff” this trauma introduced into our lives. Action trumps helplessness. A plan beats no plan…every time. My mindset was such that if I could not take the direct hit, I needed to do everything in my power to protect Carolyn from all of the fallout and landmines that became part of everyday living for us.
In a previous post, Carolyn referred to “coping” as the process we are going through. I think of it as a search for meaning. You can decide whether we are describing the same thing or if we are on separate paths as we muddle through this process. (If we were to agree on the name for what we are experiencing it would mean one of us would have to say the other is right.)
My search for meaning is to figure out how to help others, while at the same time receiving the help I need, while also supporting Carolyn through her process and the children through theirs. Am I trying to fill a void in my life, a void left by a little boy Carolyn and I cannot raise? Yes. Is it just better to try and forget and move on? I envy those who could pull off such a feat. I am not one of those people. How could we ever try to or want to forget this child?
Bad sh*t drips on good people every day and I do not try to compare our situation with other people’s tragedies. As with our family room ceiling, this is a hole we cannot allow to remain un-patched. Many of you have already filled your loss with great purpose and I am sure you can help Carolyn and I and others by sharing some great advice. Hopefully my ramblings will yield something of benefit to you.