AUTHOR: Sean Savage | POSTED: November 20, 2010 | COMMENTS: None Yet - Post a Comment
CATEGORIES: Daddy on The Fly, IVF, Pre-2/16 & Post-2/16, Tags: challenges, choices, dysfunctional family, Inconceivable, perspective
It was February 16, 2009. I was frozen.
I’d just put the phone down after speaking with our fertility doctor. Moments earlier I learned another couple’s embryos had been mistakenly transferred to my wife ten days earlier and that the pregnancy tests from earlier that day were positive. Confusion and shock set in immediately.
As I write this post today, Carolyn and I are nearly two years removed from the moment that changed us and our marriage forever. Today, we refer to past events as either pre-2/16 or post-2/16. You may have a traumatic reference point in your own life. No matter how we have tried to claw back to the way things once were and pretend as though we can do it, our new reality smacks us in the face. We simply hit something in life that does not allow us to go back to things as they were. The earth beneath our feet shifted and the land we had our feet planted on, drifted away forever.
Our life altering moment came with choices. Two defining choices to be more specific. Do we continue the pregnancy and face certain heartbreak down the line? Do we fight for custody at birth? I am not writing here to explain how and why we did what we did, or the journey that began as a result of the choices made, as those details are in our book coming out in February, but I do want to invite you into a discussion. Carolyn and I are sharing our story through the media and the book because we want our story to be of help to others. I clearly recognize that our healing is only beginning. Maybe these posts, this site, and our book will allow us to continue the healing process.
Suffering is part in parcel with life and if you have not faced trauma —or choices that shook your core— you know someone who has faced horrendous challenges. How do you dialogue with that person about their situation? Maybe reading on in the coming months will help you gain more understanding of how to be of help to that friend, neighbor, sister or brother who has been dealt a life-changing blow. As I believe suffering does visit everyone at some point, I also embrace hope for working through it and moving to higher ground and ultimately some form of peace.
By now you will have figured out that I am of the male variety and that Carolyn and I will not be doing joint posts. Why? The answer is quite simple. If we merely attempted to reach agreement on what we would say together, this page would be blank and a court in Lucas County, Ohio, would be dividing all of our stuff in half. Our book Inconceivable has this same format. I get my say and she gets her say. And yes, we can (and will) agree to disagree. Although we love each other dearly, you will figure out–quickly—that our marriage and our family are far from perfect. As our dear friend and longtime family priest Father Richard Wurzel once told Carolyn and I, “Every family is dysfunctional.”
So in the coming months we will be sharing with you how we have worked through this crisis and kept our marriage in-tact. I know there is insight we can gain from other families who have worked through tough stuff together. Our marriage was strained for more than a decade with fertility challenges and I will share my perspective on the stresses of going through that and what I would have done differently if given a second chance. Infertility sucks! It is a complex issue and men and women certainly view it from completely different perspectives. I encourage women to read my posts to get some male insight on a host of issues. And I hope that your comments will help me understand your point of view as well. Most importantly, I want this blog and website to be a forum for all of the inconceivable choices–the difficult, the life-altering, the heartbreaking choices–that we will all inevitably face.