Update on Logan and The Lessons I’ve Learned

AUTHOR: | POSTED: May 24, 2012 | COMMENTS: 12 Comments

Carolyn Savage



      Have you ever wanted to freeze a moment?  A moment so joyous that you wish you could capture it in a photo and savor it forever?  I’ve had many of those moments in my life, but one of my most cherished happened a few weeks ago during a visit with Logan and his family.  It was our seventh visit and I cannot express how much fun we had!  It was chaotic, too—but that’s to be expected.  Six kids five and under can create a lot of noise, but it was joyful noise, filled with giggles, playing and genuine smiles. 

     It was in the midst of that crazy visit that I was standing in my kitchen preparing our dinner when my moment happened.  MK was chasing one of Logan’s sisters and Logan was chasing MK and they were all laughing hysterically.  Logan’s parents were sitting at our kitchen table chatting with Sean and our sons, when it hit me—we are all happy.  After everything that happened, we’ve managed to get to a very, very happy place.  What if I’d known, during my pregnancy with Logan, that we’d be in such a great place three years later?  Would I have suffered less?

     My first inclination would be to assume that it would have been better to have a crystal ball glimpse into our happy ending.  Perhaps my pregnancy and postpartum period would have been more bearable if I’d been aware that Reagan and Isabella were coming.   They’ve brought so much joy into our home.  Knowing that we were going to get to be a part of Logan’s life, might have alleviated many of my fears.  I can’t even begin to communicate the horrible scenarios that would play out in my mind regarding Logan’s future without us.  Having met his parents, I knew my fears were irrational, but I couldn’t control them.  My pregnancy with him, and the first year without him, were the darkest moments of my life.   There’s a part of me that wishes I’d never experienced those times.  They were hard as hell.

     On the other hand, those hellish days have given way to valuable insights.  I don’t take one minute with my kids for granted.  Even the frustrating moments—which are plentiful with twin infants, a stubborn four year old, and two teenagers—are bearable.  I truly appreciate being able to mother them.  I also have a stronger faith now.  I still reject the notion that the mix-up was all one big divine plan. (Which is still occasionally suggested to me by well-intentioned people who apparently haven’t read our book.   I do not believe we are all pawns and that He’s in charge of everything.  Free will people…free will!)  When I look at where we are today and consider how we got here, however, there is not a doubt in my mind that God had a hand in our journey.  I’m a greater believer in the power of prayer and the notion that there are angels here on Earth.  I’ve seen them.  Most importantly, my pregnancy with Logan has given me incredible perspective.  I don’t sweat the small stuff.  I hardly sweat the big stuff.  As long as those that I love are safe and healthy, I’m good.  That’s a very peaceful way to live.  I’m grateful for having my eyes opened to that.

I think the greatest lesson I’ve learned is that suffering, as awful as it is to endure, can change me for the better, if I dig deep and fight through it. 

      It’s scary to think of what’s in store for my family.  I know that in any given moment unforeseen circumstances could plunge us into a dark and scary place.  There is more suffering in store for me and my loved ones.  That’s life.  It’s my hope that the next time I face a scary situation, I am better able to cope by relying on the lessons I’ve learned.  I’m stronger for them and—I guess—grateful.  I wouldn’t change a thing about the road I’ve traveled and that’s something I never, ever thought I’d say.

12 Comments on “ Update on Logan and The Lessons I’ve Learned ”

  • Shelli | May 24th, 2012 12:18 pm

    Thank you for sharing about your amazing journey. I read your book last year with a tea towel to wipe away the tears that just would not stop. Blessings to you all.

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  • Nancy | May 24th, 2012 12:28 pm

    This was just the post I needed to read today. After going through a pretty tough time, and somehow coming out of it, it was great to hear inspirational words from you about your family etc. .This journey we take in life is fraught with twists and turns and sometimes they can be extremely scary and one can go through a period of despair .I have had to come closer to God and believe , such as you, that free will reigns, but that he works(although we don’t always see it at the time)with what there is left and that he works to the good of the situation. Life is hard and I am slowly learning to be kind to myself and not sweat the small stuff in life as well.
    I am appreciating the ‘down time and peace’ I now have in our family and am filled with gratitude with what my family has learned from the situation we all went through the last few yrs. A work in progress!

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  • Carolyn Savage | May 26th, 2012 10:53 am

    So glad this post was meant for your eyes today! All the blessing in the world to you on your fight back from despair to happiness. Sounds like you are definitely on your way!

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  • Dayna | May 24th, 2012 1:01 pm

    Brought tears to my eyes! I’m so happy for you!!

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  • Andrea Hall | May 24th, 2012 4:47 pm

    I cried through the book and today I applaude you for your courage to move forward and to see the good that has happened and embrace each special moment.

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  • Kim B. | May 25th, 2012 5:12 pm

    Love a HAPPY ending! Your book was so heart wrenching that I’m so glad we are able to keep getting these wonderful updates 🙂

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  • Carolyn Savage | May 26th, 2012 10:52 am

    You know…it’s funny. The book was heart wrenching. Our editor was worried about that aspect of our story. So many want a Hollywood happy ending, and unfortunately, our twins didn’t come in time for the book. On the other hand, many people don’t get Hollywood happy ending. Instead, their happy endings are messy–built from the emotional strength that allows them to pick up the pieces and fight their way back to happiness. That’s what my next book is about…picking up the pieces and fighting your way back to happiness.

    Thanks so much for the comment. It means a lot!

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  • Kathy | May 25th, 2012 7:32 pm

    Glad you had such a nice visit with Logan and both of your families. I love those kinds of breakthrough moments and appreciate the perceptive you have now, after all you have been through. I share your theology in many ways and do not believe that everything happens for a reason. But I do believe we can find/make some good in/from all of our experiences (good, bad and in between). Thank you for sharing. Your new blog design looks great by the way. Looking forward to reading more here.

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  • Carolyn Savage | May 26th, 2012 10:47 am

    You MUST know what an inspiration you have been to me. Thanks for the comment. Some day we really need to meet in person! XOXO

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  • Kathy | June 5th, 2012 12:14 pm

    Aww! You are so sweet Carolyn! Right back at ya! I would love for us to meet someday in person too! Any chance you might be able to make it to BlogHer’s Annual Conference in NYC in early August? Maybe you could cover it for your new writing gig? I will be there Thursday, Friday and Saturday and speaking at a session/on a panel on Saturday.

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  • lynda crossman | October 12th, 2012 11:52 am

    Carolyn and Sean- I am so glad that you’ve gotten to the acceptance part of the grief process.. You did a wonderful thing that can never be topped. As I get older and older every yr. I realize just how precious every child is. I knew this many many moons ago but – It is very ovious to me every minute of every day recently. It is so wonderful that you are both committed to this journey. I truely think you being involved with Logan is a good thing especially for him..Your writing is very engaging… keep up the good work.. fondly lynda

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