AUTHOR: Carolyn Savage | POSTED: May 24, 2012 | COMMENTS: 12 Comments
Have you ever wanted to freeze a moment? A moment so joyous that you wish you could capture it in a photo and savor it forever? I’ve had many of those moments in my life, but one of my most cherished happened a few weeks ago during a visit with Logan and his family. It was our seventh visit and I cannot express how much fun we had! It was chaotic, too—but that’s to be expected. Six kids five and under can create a lot of noise, but it was joyful noise, filled with giggles, playing and genuine smiles.
It was in the midst of that crazy visit that I was standing in my kitchen preparing our dinner when my moment happened. MK was chasing one of Logan’s sisters and Logan was chasing MK and they were all laughing hysterically. Logan’s parents were sitting at our kitchen table chatting with Sean and our sons, when it hit me—we are all happy. After everything that happened, we’ve managed to get to a very, very happy place. What if I’d known, during my pregnancy with Logan, that we’d be in such a great place three years later? Would I have suffered less?
My first inclination would be to assume that it would have been better to have a crystal ball glimpse into our happy ending. Perhaps my pregnancy and postpartum period would have been more bearable if I’d been aware that Reagan and Isabella were coming. They’ve brought so much joy into our home. Knowing that we were going to get to be a part of Logan’s life, might have alleviated many of my fears. I can’t even begin to communicate the horrible scenarios that would play out in my mind regarding Logan’s future without us. Having met his parents, I knew my fears were irrational, but I couldn’t control them. My pregnancy with him, and the first year without him, were the darkest moments of my life. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d never experienced those times. They were hard as hell.
On the other hand, those hellish days have given way to valuable insights. I don’t take one minute with my kids for granted. Even the frustrating moments—which are plentiful with twin infants, a stubborn four year old, and two teenagers—are bearable. I truly appreciate being able to mother them. I also have a stronger faith now. I still reject the notion that the mix-up was all one big divine plan. (Which is still occasionally suggested to me by well-intentioned people who apparently haven’t read our book. I do not believe we are all pawns and that He’s in charge of everything. Free will people…free will!) When I look at where we are today and consider how we got here, however, there is not a doubt in my mind that God had a hand in our journey. I’m a greater believer in the power of prayer and the notion that there are angels here on Earth. I’ve seen them. Most importantly, my pregnancy with Logan has given me incredible perspective. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I hardly sweat the big stuff. As long as those that I love are safe and healthy, I’m good. That’s a very peaceful way to live. I’m grateful for having my eyes opened to that.
I think the greatest lesson I’ve learned is that suffering, as awful as it is to endure, can change me for the better, if I dig deep and fight through it.
It’s scary to think of what’s in store for my family. I know that in any given moment unforeseen circumstances could plunge us into a dark and scary place. There is more suffering in store for me and my loved ones. That’s life. It’s my hope that the next time I face a scary situation, I am better able to cope by relying on the lessons I’ve learned. I’m stronger for them and—I guess—grateful. I wouldn’t change a thing about the road I’ve traveled and that’s something I never, ever thought I’d say.