Why Blogging through Brokeness Is Working for Me

AUTHOR: | POSTED: September 5, 2012 | COMMENTS: 28 Comments
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Carolyn Savage

Please pardon the interruption, Mamas!  Regularly scheduled funny stuff  with gratitude sprinkled throughout will return after this post.  This one is on the heavier side.  Read with caution and chase with a glass of something that makes you happy!  Now… getting on with it…

 

Mama on The Fly went through somewhat of a redesign over the weekend.  It’s the second renovation in the last five months and was necessary as this website grows and stretches into its new space.  The changes are fitting though, as we originally launched in conjunction with the publication of Inconceivable, in February 2011.  That seems like a lifetime ago and in many ways it was.

 

When the concept of a blog was first proposed to us by our editors, I was very apprehensive.  I knew what a blog was, in fact had been a reader of a few, but those bloggers were filled with purpose and were proficiently inspirational.  I wasn’t quite ready, on so many levels, to give this space the honesty it deserved.  In fact, the truth is, even as our book came out and we were doing the media rounds, I was struggling with my story.  It felt so incomplete.

 

I thought that someday I’d be healed, and then I’d be better able to inspire.

 

It wasn’t until this past spring that I felt an inkling to share.  That’s when I decided to dip a little more than my pinky toe into the world of blogging.  I realize now, after four months of faithfully writing, it was probably a good thing I waited.  Although there’s some regret to not taking advantage of our media exposure last year—my readership would be leaps and bounds better—it would have been epically unauthentic because the truth of that time was not something I was able or willing to communicate.  I didn’t even fully understand it, that is until now. 

 

Eighteen months ago my heart was still broken.  I was waiting to be fixed.

 

It’s amazing how the passage of time can change perspectives for the better.  I’ve got a new lease on happiness, and a gratitude that permeates even my most challenging moments.  I didn’t have that  here…

 

 

 

Or here…

 

 

Or even here….

 

 

I wasn’t being disingenuous during our interviews.  I believed what I was saying but was also still fighting; hoping to claw my way to the place I stand now.

 

 

Now that I’m here I’m so grateful I survived.  It’s a wonder, actually.  I can’t tell you how many nights I contemplated terrible, scary things, and then quietly cried myself to sleep because I was ashamed.  I’d sit in editing meetings or media interviews; amidst family and friends and say all the right things, while wanting to scream, but I couldn’t have mustered the words if I’d tried.  I didn’t fully comprehend where I was existing during that time. 

 

But I get it now.  Healing doesn’t mean fixing. 

 

Healing means learning how to live broken. 

 

I want to take my brokenness and channel it productively.  It makes me more compassionate and has yielded enormous feelings of gratitude.  I realize now that nothings will ever be completely “fixed” because I still have my moments.  They always come when I’m thinking about my fourth baby… 

 

 

 

Where is he right now?  Is he smiling through his day? Does he know that he’s probably the most loved little boy in the whole wide world?  Does he feel that?

 

And then reality springs back, beating the once all-consuming darkness away making room for reassurances to pop into my head.  That’s when I can I channel my brokenness towards things I can control, like bringing my “A Game” to my family…to my love…and to this blog. 

 

And I read  for inspiration…

 

Favorite Inspirational Blogs

Enjoying The Small Things by Kelle Hampton

Bereaved and Blessed by Kathy Benson

Table for More Blog by Allie Darr

NieNie Dialogues by Stephanie Nielson

Sarah Sitting Down by Sarah Berger

 

 And I read to laugh…

 

Favorite Funny Bloggers

Brittany Herself by Brittany Gibbons

The Reedster Speaks by Cindy Reed

Stirrup Queens by Melissa Ford

Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama by Delilah (No last name…I think she’s in the witness protection program or something!)

Moms In Heels by Lisa Harst

The Martha Project by Jen (Another protected witness I think…no last name to speak of!)

 

And I read this blog to be reminded that I’m not alone in my brokenness…

 

Momastery by Glennon Melton

 

 

By reading the writings of these talented women, I’m inspired to grab my crazy life by the horns and live it—devour it—to it’s fullest potential.  I soak up the sweeter moments, and power through the painful moments, because I recognize now they both contribute to the person I’ll eventually be.

 

So, yes, this website is voraciously expanding, but only because I’m learning to embrace the broken parts of my life. 

 

There’s bound to be more redesigns in the future for both myself and Mama on The Fly, but that indicates growth.  Growth is good, right? My hope is you’ll grow right along with me and together we can inspire one another to lead the best damn broken lives we can.

28 Comments on “ Why Blogging through Brokeness Is Working for Me ”

  • Suzie | September 5th, 2012 7:04 am

    just so wonderful, carolyn. You are amazing…and you are loved. xo x:)

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:33 am

    So are you, chica! XOXO

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  • TheNextMartha | September 5th, 2012 9:46 am

    I’m so glad you have been able to find a happier place. Your story is really beyond anything I could really ever put words to. And looking at that picture of you looking at your daughters is wonderful.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:33 am

    Hey…why aren’t you decorating something that I can look at and be awed? Get back to work, lady! 😉 Thanks for the comment!

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  • lynda crossman | September 5th, 2012 10:02 am

    Caroline- as adults we all have “things” in our lives to overcome. YOU inspire me, you are strong and have it together. You and Sean will be ok..look where you have been and the sky is just the limit. Take care and keep growing..:) I will too. :)

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:32 am

    Well I figured we’d be growing together. And yes..the sky is the limit. Love that attitude! Thanks, Lynda!

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  • Aramelle {One Wheeler's World} | September 5th, 2012 1:12 pm

    This is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story and for being an inspiration to so many.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:31 am

    Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Means a lot to me!

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  • Delilah | September 5th, 2012 10:19 pm

    Carolyn, you take my breath away. Your words, your story, your writing…you just take my breath. I remember the very first time that I heard about your story and your family’s sacrifice. I was humbled then and I’m even more humbled now to have my blog mentioned on here. I love what you wrote- “healing means learning how to live broken”. That’s exactly how I feel, what I’ve experienced. Thank you for sharing your story and your family.

    xo,
    Delilah….(from witness protection…shhhh)
    Semi-Domesticated Mama

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:31 am

    Aw…so happy to hear from you. YOu know I love reading your antics. Makes me laugh every single time! And your secret is safe with me, but would love to know what “you’re in for”…peeing in Target maybe?

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  • Allie | September 5th, 2012 10:50 pm

    The picture of you and the twins embodies everything about you…..beauty, strength, triumph. I cannot wait to follow the rest of this journey!

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:30 am

    Hey Allie, THanks friend! I adore reading about your family to. Such happiness and positivity! What a gift!

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  • Kimberly | September 6th, 2012 12:16 am

    Beautifully written. You are strong and an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:29 am

    Thanks, Kimberly!

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  • Tatum | September 6th, 2012 1:25 am

    Caroline, I just found your blog through Twitter. It seems we’ve been taking a stab at blogging for about the same amount of time. Beyond being moms who didn’t get the traditional course, our stories are nothing alike, but I will agree, I wasn’t ready to blog (beyond caringbridge updates) until I came to terms with what we were going through. It seems we have to be strong in the moment, and while what we’re feeling is honest in that moment, I’m not sure we’re really able to assess just how, and where, we are broken quite yet. Just wanted to drop a note saying, “I get it” and thanks for “getting me” too.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 6th, 2012 10:28 am

    Hi Tatum,

    I just perused your blog and am so moved by what you’ve been through. I’ve had three NICU babies myself (Ryan – 30 weeks, MK – 32 weeks, and Isabella spent ten days in the NICU as well and she was 37 weeks.). Althought I haven’t had a micro preemie I’ve seen so many struggle to live and watched their parents struggle to breathe.

    After Ryan was born at 30 weeks (super unexpectedly) I struggled for a year with my head. After having Logan and being treated for PTSD, I realize now that I probably was suffering from PTSD then as well. I wish I would have gotten some help at the time.

    I will check in on your blog and your sweet little Owen. What a cutie pie. You have a beautiful family. If there’s any way I can be of assistance, please drop me an email or tweet me. I haven’t stood in your shoes, but I have a feeling (as did you) that we are in the same boat.

    Hugs to you and your sweet little boys! C

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  • Happy Little Feet | September 7th, 2012 12:15 am

    Your story is amazing and inspiring. You brought tears to my eyes. I do not know how you can be so strong but you are and it is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 10th, 2012 9:31 am

    Hey there…I was just perusing your blog yesterday. Love the recipes, especially.

    Thanks so much for checking in over here. Your message means a lot to me.

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  • Mike McCormack | September 7th, 2012 9:52 pm

    Our IVF twin boys turned three months old on Sept. 2. After my wife took 13 weeks off, I am home with our Miracles for the month of September. I read your book in two days while the boys slept. I often called or texted my wife in tears, telling her she had to read the book. You are an amazing family. The world is a better place because of people like you. Thank you for sharing your story, and for sharing the truth about IVF to those who know nothing more than what they see on “reality” TV shows. God bless your entire family.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 10th, 2012 9:30 am

    Ahh!!! Yay! Congratulations on your twin boys! What a triumph and a blessing. I bet you are both overjoyed and exhausted. Those first five months were very challenging. Just know it gets better.

    THanks so much for reading and commenting. Informing the general public about IVF is a life long mission of mine. Luckily I have a wonderful “in” at NBC.com to write about the topic on their news pages at least three times a year! The more education we can do…the better.

    Enjoy your little boys. I have twin nephews. They are eight now and the best of buddies. You are in for quite a ride!

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  • I Miss You When I Blink | September 9th, 2012 11:22 am

    Authenticity means something. So does being ready to speak.

    That you started writing more when you felt you really had the words ready was the best thing for you, regardless of what it would have meant for book sales. That’s important.

    Congrats on “writing through it” and finding yourself in such a good place now!

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 10th, 2012 9:24 am

    Thanks. Books sales actually went quite well. There’s a part of me that wishes we had gone in a very different direction with the book. We wrote it in self-defense. In fact the final product looked very different than what was proposed and bought by the publisher. Unfortunately, we learned a few days after making a deal with Harper Collins that the genetic family was already writing a book that was due out a mere seven months after I gave birth. At that point, our original proposal was basically scrapped in an attempt to protect ourselves from a movie deal that was already in the works between the genetic family and Lifetime.

    Of course, none of this helped with my mental health at the time. Instead, it added anxiety that was very scary. I think I knew things were bad the day I found myself huddled in the corner of my bedroom behind an arm chair with a blanket draped over the top. (I made an anxiety attack fortress…weird…I know.) The concept of the genetic family had a book deal, movie aspirations and kept it from us almost killed me. (We’d told them everything about what we were doing and expected the same honesty in return.)

    It took me a long while to get past that ordeal. Their book coming out also helped because in the end it was harmless.

    I did write through it, but the story that unfolded after the birth has affected me tremendously…and for the better.

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  • Jill | September 9th, 2012 11:43 pm

    “Healing means knowing how to live broken.” Beautiful and sad at the same time. You are an inspiration.

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  • Carolyn Savage | September 10th, 2012 9:15 am

    It is sad, but I think at the same time it’s liberating. I needed to learn to take the “chinks in my armor” and use them as an enhancement to my life instead of a liability. THanks so much for reading!

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  • A heart of thanks…. | September 10th, 2012 2:18 pm

    […] yesterday I was reading Caroline Savage’s blog and her quote has been sitting heavy on me ever since. She said, Healing doesn’t mean […]

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  • Kathy | September 13th, 2012 12:45 am

    What a moving post Carolyn. Thank your for putting yourself out here so candidly. I feel honored to be on your list of inspirational blogs. That means so much to me coming from you, my friend. I am so proud of you and look forward to following this next part of your journey.

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  • Cindy - The Reedster Speaks | September 19th, 2012 5:36 pm

    I am so honored to be included in your list of bloggers who make you laugh, especially in connection with such an inspirational post as this one. Hugs, Cindy

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  • Lisha @ 1house1couple | September 21st, 2012 2:21 am

    wow, your story is amazing. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to be in your situation. You are such a loving woman.

    I just came across your story and I want you to know that I think you are such an admirable woman and you will be richly blessed for what you have done!

    ~Lisha

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Your Comments are Welcome!