AUTHOR: Carolyn Savage | POSTED: September 5, 2012 | COMMENTS: 28 Comments
Please pardon the interruption, Mamas! Regularly scheduled funny stuff with gratitude sprinkled throughout will return after this post. This one is on the heavier side. Read with caution and chase with a glass of something that makes you happy! Now… getting on with it…
Mama on The Fly went through somewhat of a redesign over the weekend. It’s the second renovation in the last five months and was necessary as this website grows and stretches into its new space. The changes are fitting though, as we originally launched in conjunction with the publication of Inconceivable, in February 2011. That seems like a lifetime ago and in many ways it was.
When the concept of a blog was first proposed to us by our editors, I was very apprehensive. I knew what a blog was, in fact had been a reader of a few, but those bloggers were filled with purpose and were proficiently inspirational. I wasn’t quite ready, on so many levels, to give this space the honesty it deserved. In fact, the truth is, even as our book came out and we were doing the media rounds, I was struggling with my story. It felt so incomplete.
I thought that someday I’d be healed, and then I’d be better able to inspire.
It wasn’t until this past spring that I felt an inkling to share. That’s when I decided to dip a little more than my pinky toe into the world of blogging. I realize now, after four months of faithfully writing, it was probably a good thing I waited. Although there’s some regret to not taking advantage of our media exposure last year—my readership would be leaps and bounds better—it would have been epically unauthentic because the truth of that time was not something I was able or willing to communicate. I didn’t even fully understand it, that is until now.
Eighteen months ago my heart was still broken. I was waiting to be fixed.
It’s amazing how the passage of time can change perspectives for the better. I’ve got a new lease on happiness, and a gratitude that permeates even my most challenging moments. I didn’t have that here…
Or even here….
I wasn’t being disingenuous during our interviews. I believed what I was saying but was also still fighting; hoping to claw my way to the place I stand now.
Now that I’m here I’m so grateful I survived. It’s a wonder, actually. I can’t tell you how many nights I contemplated terrible, scary things, and then quietly cried myself to sleep because I was ashamed. I’d sit in editing meetings or media interviews; amidst family and friends and say all the right things, while wanting to scream, but I couldn’t have mustered the words if I’d tried. I didn’t fully comprehend where I was existing during that time.
But I get it now. Healing doesn’t mean fixing.
Healing means learning how to live broken.
I want to take my brokenness and channel it productively. It makes me more compassionate and has yielded enormous feelings of gratitude. I realize now that nothings will ever be completely “fixed” because I still have my moments. They always come when I’m thinking about my fourth baby…
Where is he right now? Is he smiling through his day? Does he know that he’s probably the most loved little boy in the whole wide world? Does he feel that?
And then reality springs back, beating the once all-consuming darkness away making room for reassurances to pop into my head. That’s when I can I channel my brokenness towards things I can control, like bringing my “A Game” to my family…to my love…and to this blog.
And I read for inspiration…
Favorite Inspirational Blogs
Enjoying The Small Things by Kelle Hampton
Bereaved and Blessed by Kathy Benson
Table for More Blog by Allie Darr
NieNie Dialogues by Stephanie Nielson
Sarah Sitting Down by Sarah Berger
And I read to laugh…
Favorite Funny Bloggers
Brittany Herself by Brittany Gibbons
The Reedster Speaks by Cindy Reed
Stirrup Queens by Melissa Ford
Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama by Delilah (No last name…I think she’s in the witness protection program or something!)
Moms In Heels by Lisa Harst
The Martha Project by Jen (Another protected witness I think…no last name to speak of!)
And I read this blog to be reminded that I’m not alone in my brokenness…
Momastery by Glennon Melton
By reading the writings of these talented women, I’m inspired to grab my crazy life by the horns and live it—devour it—to it’s fullest potential. I soak up the sweeter moments, and power through the painful moments, because I recognize now they both contribute to the person I’ll eventually be.
So, yes, this website is voraciously expanding, but only because I’m learning to embrace the broken parts of my life.
There’s bound to be more redesigns in the future for both myself and Mama on The Fly, but that indicates growth. Growth is good, right? My hope is you’ll grow right along with me and together we can inspire one another to lead the best damn broken lives we can.