Yes…I May Have Lost My Mind on Sunday

AUTHOR: | POSTED: January 15, 2013 | COMMENTS: 41 Comments
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Carolyn Savage

I felt like garbage this past Sunday.

I hate to blame it on that PMS excuse, but honestly, it’s all I got.  How else would I explain one of the most embarrassing incidents of my life?

Apparently, along with the other gifts of aging, like bunions, wrinkles, gray hair and dwindling eyesight, my hormones are starting to get a little out-of-whack.  I remember when I was younger and I’d hear of this mythical condition called PMS. I used to think it was an lame excuse.  I had no idea that PMS could truly catapult an otherwise docile, loving and kind person into a level of bitchiness that would make Roseanne Barr cringe.

My mistake.

I woke up on Sunday morning with a headache that mimicked the grand-daddy of all hangovers.  Unfortunately, I’d consumed nothing the night before that was capable of causing such a condition.  After an hour or so, I realized that not only did I have what felt like a cranial bleed, I was also experiencing abdominal pain that felt a lot like labor.  I quickly realized that these were PMS symptoms and accordingly maxed out on Advil.  Surely 800 milligrams of ibuprofen would cure me.

Sorry to say, it didn’t even come close.

Now, add to the equation that Sean has become somewhat of a church Nazi.  If it were up to me, Sean and I would attend separate masses sans-little-kids, but Sean insists that we all attend church together.  Now, don’t misunderstand, I love attending church with my family.  What I don’t like doing is engaging in a wrestling match with two tag-teaming one year olds that seem to know how to make even the quietest toy noisy during an otherwise silent church service.  Add in a very bright four year old that has figured out that when Mommy is wrangling one twin, and Daddy is wrangling the other, she can pretty much get away with any thing she pleases because there are no spare arms to stop her, and we’ve got a dog and pony show in pew # 17.  I’ve pleaded with Sean to realize that going to church with three kids under the age of four is pointless, but he refuses to give in.  So I relent, and the chaos commences.

This past Sunday was extra horrible.   I only made it through the responsorial psalm (for you non-Catholics…that’s about twelve minutes into a sixty minute service) before having to vacate our pew with one of the girls in tow.  Most weeks that would disappoint  me, but this time, I was relieved.   At least in the narthex (back lobby) of our church, I could put said toddler down to roam around and do whatever, while I sat on the steps of the choir loft and hung my head in agony. Needless to say, by the end of mass all I wanted to do was go home, crawl under my covers with a heating pad and die.  As the recessional hymn played, I hastily packed up and practically sprinted to the car when Sean reminded me that he’d driven separately so he could drop Ryan at running practice on the way home.

Me:  How long is that going to take?

Sean:  I’ll be home ten minutes after you.  

I scoffed and then nastily reminded him that it was in his best interest to hurry because I felt like I was standing at the gates of hell, which…apparently…made no impression on him what-so-ever and ultimately led to my sh*t losing incident.

So let me set the scene…

I’d been home from church for forty minutes– alone –with three crabby kids, feeling like my head might explode all over the kitchen counter, and growing more and more annoyed that Sean was no where to be seen, when the phone rang.  Now in my defense let me explain that Sean’s cell phone number starts with a “3” and ends with a “8”.  As I grabbed our ringing house phone, my old crapped out eyes that were currently seeing red also saw that the caller’s phone number started with a “3” and ended with a “8”.  Obviously this was Sean calling to make some lame-ass excuse as to why he was delayed.

Me:  screaming into receiverWhere the hell are you?

Caller:  startled and screaming backI’m on my way home!

Me:  still screaming but kind of questioning myself about how Sean didn’t sound like himself…but still screaming anyways…“What the hell is taking you so long?

Caller:   also screamingI stopped for gas—pause---Is this the Savage residence?

And that’s when the garage door opened, and I swung around, to see Sean standing there, NOT talking on his phone!!!

Sh*t.

***********

At moments like this there are choices.  If I took the mature path out of this I would have taken a second;  calmed myself down; gotten back on the phone and channeling my sweetest, kindest voice, profusely apologized to the traumatized caller; explained that I had a terrible headache, horrible cramps, my husband was MIA, my kids were acting up, my husband’s  phone number looked similar to his, and that’s why I just lost my sh*t with him; and then asked them what it was that he originally wanted?

or…

I could take the cowardly path and hang up.

So…..

I hung up.

*******

I must have looked like I was about to explode because Sean immediately launched into a self defensive explanation of how he was late due to a flooded street that blocked the entrance to the park where Ryan was supposed to meet his teammates.  What Sean didn’t realize was that he was in luck because I had just completely gone ape-sh*t on a perfectly innocent person and was in a state of mortification that made me feel like I wanted to die  even more than I did before the phone call ever happened.  My crazy bitch tank was on empty.

Then the phone rang again.

Sh*t.

After I confirmed that indeed, this caller’s number did begin with a “3” and end with a “8” I figured there was no reason to “man-up” now.  I let it go to voicemail.  It took me a two hour cuddle with a heating pad and a maximum dose of Midol to garner the courage to listen to the message.

This is what it said:

Hi, Savage Family!”  (Couldn’t help but notice the caller sounded very friendly…and a little frightened.) “I noticed, after you left church today, that one of the girls left their doll in the pew.  We were going to drop it by your house on the way home but when I called ahead I’m pretty sure I got the wrong number.  Anyways, let us know when you want us to bring it by!

Sh*t.

I got nothing else.

Just sh*t.

(Oh…and I may be finding a new church community soon.  Wish me luck.)

41 Comments on “ Yes…I May Have Lost My Mind on Sunday ”

  • Jesabes | January 15th, 2013 2:44 pm

    Hilarious! On days like that I thank goodness I have a blog so I can at least get a post out of it.

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  • Tracy | January 15th, 2013 7:10 pm

    giggle…welcome to my head hanging world…

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  • Jenni | January 15th, 2013 7:20 pm

    I love that you are so honest. It gives me hope that I too can be an amazing mother to my son and hopeful future children even though everyday is not the best.

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  • Jennifer Dotson | January 15th, 2013 7:22 pm

    you have no idea how I appreciate your honesty! We have 5 kids under the age of 8 and I go through that church thing everyweek! It is pointless but my husband insists on taking our freak show on the road as a family. Absolutely love the phone call … I can totally see that happening here. So, did your husband rat you out or did you come clean with the caller? Thanks so much for sharing!

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  • Gail | January 15th, 2013 7:27 pm

    This made me laugh and cry!~!! Sometimes we forget your human….like the rest of us!! Hope your headache is much better, and you got the girls doll back!! Thanks for making me smile. I have tough days, this was nice to read at the end of my day!!

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  • Julia | January 15th, 2013 8:15 pm

    LOVE IT!!!! Those pear shaped days are often the most humbling – after the fact :):):)

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  • Suzie | January 15th, 2013 8:46 pm

    I love you, Carolyn….and thanks for making me laugh so hard I cried….;)

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  • Rebecca | January 15th, 2013 10:41 pm

    Carolyn,
    While I don’t have the trouble with kids hanging off of me, I appear to be going through the beginning stages of menopause (although age 38). I’m constantly exhausted, headaches from hell, a brain that would consist of enough information a kindergartener would need to make it through the world. I honeslty don’t know how you Mom’s do all this and add kids into the mix. I love my nieces and nephews (ages 1-17, 2 boys, 2 girls) to the moon and back, but when they go balistic I’m very happy to return them to Mom & Dad!

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  • Teri | January 16th, 2013 7:08 am

    I’d have taken that same cowardly path, Carolyn. Thanks for letting us see that you are perfectly real. ;) Hope you’re feeling better.

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  • Linda | January 16th, 2013 7:25 am

    Been There…….Done That! This too shall pass! ;)

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  • Lisa | January 16th, 2013 8:38 am

    Thank you for sharing that story!! Of course made me laugh BUT also very reassuring to know it’s not “abnormal” behavior! Not nice or acceptable behavior but you know what I mean! Thank you for making me laugh!

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  • Donna Braswell | January 16th, 2013 8:41 am

    Carolyn, I think you should be entitled to at least one Sunday a month where you get to go to church by yourself. It could double as “Mommy’s Time Out”. Thanks for sharing…I think we’ve all been there. Don’t beat yourself up over it, 3 under 5 is more than I could handle.

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  • Dee | January 16th, 2013 9:05 am

    Oh my gosh, this was so funny and SO relateable! Thank you for being so honest with us. I guess we Protestants are spoiled with our staffed nurseries and toddler rooms where we drop the kids off for play time and a Bible story while we head into the sanctuary for a child-free sermon. :-)

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  • Bev | January 16th, 2013 12:24 pm

    this probably isn’t much different than a normal day for you but adding the symptoms you were having – you were due a mini-meltdown! We are all due those from time to time!

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  • Laura Blaes | January 16th, 2013 11:59 pm

    Ahhhhh, yes, PMS awakens some monster lurking inside! As I shared your story aloud with my roomie, she said many of your lines before I read them because she’s seen me (but only once) with PMS. Why only once?? Because my moods, cramps, headaches, pains everywhere were becoming so devastating that my OB/GYN had to put a stop to me having periods at all (at age 40!)

    The PMS monster resurfaced only the ONE time I had the flu and could not keep enough hormones in my system to prevent a full-fledged recurrence. We laughed, too–AFTER the fact. WAY after the fact!!

    I hope you are working on another book because you have such a gift with words!! We can laugh and cry with you. Let us know if your little one gets her doll back. Doesn’t sound like the good deed do-er was damaged beyond what a few sessions with the psychiatrist won’t fix!! ;-}

    Take good care of yourself and may the PMS monster’s visits be few and far between!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 10:15 am

    Hi Laura…Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the need for a second book. I am working on one, but it’s going to be a while before it comes out. Taking my time.

    I hope I didn’t traumatize the gentleman to badly. I told the story on the radio yesterday and the mail DJ (Rick) told me not to worry. “The dude probably has one at home just like you!”

    Thanks for stopping by! I hope all is well with you and yours!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 10:19 am

    Yes..we talked yesterday on the radio about the fact that other religions have a place for the children during the service. Rick (one of the DJ’s I appear with) said that that’s how it is in the Baptist church. I told him I thought the Baptists were brilliant. Not us Catholics. Nope. We just sit in our pews pinching and quietly threatening our children. It’s a wonderful hour for our family! ;)

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:43 pm

    So true. In fact, having a blog is one of the reasons I’ve learned to laugh so easily at these kinds of things!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:43 pm

    Head hanging world…love it.

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:44 pm

    Oh my goodness, I think that recognizing that we can’t always be supermom is the only way we can be amazing parents to our kids. Glad you are reading!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:45 pm

    First of all, my husband didn’t even know about this until he heard me tell the story on the radio this past Wednesday. And, no. He hasn’t ratted me out. I kind of ratted myself out over the airways!

    Glad I’m not the only one with a church freak show. To bad we don’t go to the same church. We could have a whole freak show section!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:46 pm

    Thank you. Knowing that I made you smile is worth all of it! Thanks for reading!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:47 pm

    Okay…the “pear shaped day” reference took me a minute. But yes…it was definitely a pear shaped day!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:47 pm

    Yup. I’m downright scared of the whole menopause phase. God help my family! Thanks for reading.

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:48 pm

    Not soon enough!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:48 pm

    I completely know what you mean! Thanks for reading!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:48 pm

    Brilliant idea. I’ll pitch it to the church Nazi and see how it goes. I’ll keep you posted.

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:49 pm

    Yes. Yes we are. I need to remember that, too! Thanks for reading!

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  • Carolyn Savage | January 17th, 2013 8:49 pm

    ;)

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  • Suzanne Weller (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:17 pm

    Carolyn – while I only have one child who is 3 1/2, I can completely relate. I love this post. And I, along with every other woman with children, have totally been there. Thank you for sharing your stories. I love them and it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my occasional crazy!

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  • Malory Jimenez (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:18 pm

    Malory Jimenez LOL I would die! Thanks for being brave enough to post that

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  • Malory Jimenez (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:18 pm

    LOL I would die! Thanks for being brave enough to post that

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  • Jessica Plotz (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:19 pm

    I have a 2yr old and a newborn and watch a 3yr old boy. I think I lose my sh*t weekly so this post cracked me up! Glad to see I’m not the only momma struggling…only I never have PMS/migraines to blame…

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  • MyLien Cook Floyd (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:20 pm

    I love this!

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  • Lauren Burtscher (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:20 pm

    I could picture that whole story! Love it!

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  • Lynn McCarron Klover (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:21 pm

    Thanks Carolyn! I needed this today I’m laughing WITH you.

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  • Carrie Johnson (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 18th, 2013 8:22 pm

    Oh my gosh – that is TOO funny. Thanks for the laugh, and it’s good to know we all are human!

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  • The Importance of A Cozy Weekend Vacay…Uh…I Mean A Night in A Kinda Cheap Hotel | Mama On The Fly | January 22nd, 2013 1:52 pm

    […] After my batsh*t crazy moment last weekend, Sean decided that I might need a night away.  When he suggested it, and seeing as how I always have at least a big toe willing to take a nap; and all I could picture was more than three hours of uninterrupted sleep; and we had a wonderful option for twenty four hours of straight child care; I jumped at the opportunity. […]

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  • Rebecca | January 22nd, 2013 2:52 pm

    I don’t have kids (but lots of nieces and nephews) and I work full-time as a nurse at a nursing home, and I do the same thing on a regular basis. Add pre-menopause to the whole gamut and I feel like I’m in tears it seems more than I’m smiling (and my house looks like a war zone hit it!). I can’t imagine adding 3 children under the age of 4 to everything. Every woman deserves a “blow off” moment or two every now and again! I just finished reading your “cozy weekend vacay” – sounded heavenly! Nothing like uninterrupted sleep, and an extra glass of wine!!!

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  • Chelsey Broyles (Manually Imported from Facebook Comment) | January 28th, 2013 12:55 pm

    I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard!!!

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  • Born Today | Mama On The Fly | September 24th, 2013 1:28 pm

    […] a long time reader here you know I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth.  One of the most embarrasing situations in my life…to date…happened almost a year ago after we left a Mulan doll in church.  As a result, MK had to […]

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